


The One Where Shrek Summons Alcor

by StarlightSystem



Series: TAU drabbles [6]
Category: Gravity Falls, Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence (Gravity Falls), Crack, Demonic summoning, Gen, Ok I wrote this in an hour for a friend and barely proofread it lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26395435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlightSystem/pseuds/StarlightSystem
Summary: Shrek has a problem with fairytale creatures living in his swamp, so he calls on a demon from Gravity Falls for help.
Relationships: Shrek & Alcor the Dreambender (one way)
Series: TAU drabbles [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662520
Comments: 26
Kudos: 39





	The One Where Shrek Summons Alcor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Leicy_Kyle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leicy_Kyle/gifts).



> Takes place in the Gravity Falls [Transcendence AU](https://transcendence-au.tumblr.com/) as usual. There are some things that I write that are silly and some things I write that are complete crack. This is firmly the latter.

"What are ye doin in me swamp?" Shrek cried at the sight of the reams of fairytale creatures all packed into his home. 

"Lord Farquaad sent us here!" came a voice from the crowd. "He huffed and he puffed and he signed an eviction notice!" 

Shrek facepalmed into his greasy green hands. "I'll give that Farquaad an eviction notice if it's the last thing I do." He turned back to his house after giving the entire crowd of creatures the middle finger. 

"Wait!" The talking donkey from earlier came galloping up to him, narrowly avoiding the slamming door. "You aren't seriously going to go talk to Farquaad on your own, are you?" 

"What? Of course not!" Shrek started pulling ridiculous amounts of wax out of his ears and made them into candles. "The ruling class ain't shit. I'm summoning a demon." 

Donkey stared slack-jawed at him, sputtering like he wasn't used to Shrek saying nutty nonsense. "You can't! That's even worse; you'll get your soul eaten for breakfast!" 

Shrek started drawing a summoning circle on the ground using leftover eye gunk from dinner. "Naw, we'll just have a chat monster-to-monster. I know how to handle meself. Now get out of the way before I use you as a sacrifice." 

Donkey scampered into the corner and covered his eyes with his ears. 

Circle drawn, candles lit, Shrek tossed a dead rabbit he found in his toilet that morning and put his hands together in prayer. "ALCOR GET YER DUMB ASS IN HERE." 

Dark clouds filled the room, shooshing out the cigarette smoke clouds that were already in the room. The flames of the earwax candles shot high into the air, setting the roof mildly aflame. The family of singing fairytale birds from the movie Enchanted that had nested on the roof all fell asleep and crashed through the ceiling. Finally, shadows stretched from the floor, growing tall, taking the form of a short man with a snazzy suit and a floating hat.

"W̫̬͟H̝͓͜O̬ ̳̹͠DA̗̳͟R̢͉̝E̹Ṣ̢ ͚̩̫T͇O͕̹̬ ̣̺͓S̴̼̩U͉̕M̩̞͟M͎͚͜O̦̩̻N̜ A̶͖͙L̮̣C̹Ọ̠R ̯͓͠T̬͔͡H͡Ẹ̟ oh my stars what is that _smell_?" 

"Alcor!" Shrek cried, suddenly giddy as a schoolgirl. 

Donkey chanced peeking out from behind his ears and was bamboozled to see the ordinarily surly ogre hugging a confused looking demon. The demon, for his part, seemed to be asphyxiating slightly -- which was odd given that demons surely didn't have a need for oxygen -- and was trading frantic glances with Donkey. 

"You're really here!" Shrek was saying. "I hafta say, I'm a huge fan of all yer work. I mean, destroying an entire state? That's fuckin epic." 

"Uh thanks," Alcor choked out. He snapped his fingers and appeared outside of Shrek's grasp, and indeed outside of the summoning circle, making Donkey scream in shock and jump onto a cabinet of bottled farts. Alcor frowned when he saw how scared Donkey was. "What's going on here? Why are you two, uh, real? I saw this in a movie when I was a kid." 

"W-w-we're in syn-syndication now," Donkey stammered. "We finally g-got out of the Disney Vault." 

"Stop breakin the fourth wall," Shrek hissed. "Alcor, listen mate, I need ta make a deal with yer." 

Alcor, his eyes watering from the smell, nodded furiously. "You want me to rescind Lord Farquaad's decree about the fairytale creatures?" 

Shrek belched at the top of his lungs, killing about five wood nyphs who'd been listening to the conversation through the door, and shook his head. "Nah. I want ya to abolish the monarchy."

"Uh. What?" 

"Listen buddy," Shrek said, putting his arm around the cringing demon while Donkey murmured _why aren't I your buddy_ , "I've seen the later movies in the series. Ain't no way I'm becoming a bougie ass king. Don't get me wrong, I want to kill people, but not by oppressing them and drivin em into poverty. I'm not fucking evil, mate." 

"But- but, uh, my dad loves this movie, uh-" Alcor started, and then had to squeeze his eyes shut because Shrek chose at that moment to get undressed and take a mud shower in the middle of the room. "Okay okay okay! I'll abolish the monarchy for you. But we need to make a deal for it. What will you, uh, give..." he petered out, realizing what kind of things Shrek might offer him. 

The ogre shrugged. "I'll give ya Donkey." 

"What!" Donkey shouted, knocking his head on a stack of interpretive dance encyclopedias and falling onto the floor. "You're gonna sell me to a demon? Shrek, buddy, my pal, compadre, you can't do this!" 

"Yeah I can. It's easy." Shrek turned away, hiding the single tear that was falling from his eye. "Ogres don't need friends. Simple as that." 

Alcor blinked. "Actually, you know what? That sounds good to me." He held out a hand wreathed in blue flame, and Donkey shrieked again. 

"You too, man? I thought you were supposed to be nice!" 

Alcor wiggled his eyebrows at Donkey, which as completely incomprehensible to the talking ungulate. "So, do we have a deal?" 

Shrek turned around, laughing hysterically and strangling the fairy god mother from the sequel. "We sure do!" He shook Alcor's hand, leaving a patina of spit and other fluids behind. "Bye bye Farquaad, and bye bye Donkey!"

Donkey yowled in fear as Alcor picked him up and tessered away. The world went gray and misty, even moreso than usual given his colorblindness and propensity to hang out around stoners, before resolving into a serene living room decorated with family photos and a large dinosaur skull. 

"Sorry about that," Alcor said, patting Donkey on the head. "Don't worry. You're safe now." 

Donkey blinked as a woman ambled into the room with a pig on her head. Seeing Donkey, she let out a scream of excitement and ran over. "Ohmygosh Dipper I can't believe you know the donkey from Shrek!" 

"Yeah, heh, about that..." Alcor said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I had a weird afternoon. Would you mind finding someplace nice for Donkey to live?" 

"Of course of course of course, not a problem, just let me enjoy this first!" she hollered. "I can't believe Shrek is real, I mean I guess it makes sense, the Transcendence did a lot of weird things, and besides if my brother is real why can't cartoons be real? Holy heck I'm LIVING right now." 

That evening, they watched Shrek on Gravity Falls Local TV, and they had to admit that it was much better without all of the monarchy stuff. Then Donkey went to live on a farm with a bunch of other talking animals and they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
